To Go or To Stay                          September 10, 2014                  

     Every day counts.  Recently I wrote about mindfulness, the need to know that concentrating on now is urgent to our mental and physical health.  As we age and grow past 90, the now becomes ever more important.  We literally do not know what tomorrow is going to bring, so let’s make the most of today.  Mindfulness is that simple to understand.

     Contrary to that thought there are many who anguish and ride the roller coaster looking for an answer to the question: what’s next?  If we need to become involved with that thought, the larger question for many is, how do we solve the problem of loneliness? That brings us back to now.  A psychologist friend told me that loneliness is the single concern that most of his clients/patients consider a priority issue when they seek the help of a counselor.  Widows and widowers, who are lucky, yes lucky to find a companionable mate, the second or third time around, have no time for loneliness.

     The rest of us, some who have aged out of companionship, can be busy and happy all day, but when we shut the front door after dinner, we are alone! Alone and loneliness are different states. All day long I am frequently alone and I relish my independence.  Some nights, on the other hand, the loneliness is down right painful.  I continue to live in my home, surrounded and embraced by a lifetime of memories. My question has become, “would I be less lonely, more satisfied if I moved into a retirement facility?”  I vacillate with ambivalence. 

     The other day I decided to write it down, to look at it, I dug into my thinking.  I formed two lists on a single sheet of paper: one column included the assets that I would accrue if I moved; the other contained the liabilities I would suffer.  I share this because the idea worked and I was able to sit back and understand, I really do not want to move.  Despite the fact that a retirement facility would mean no more meal planning, informal companionship would always be available, many activities and special trips would be there for me, though independent I would know that I was being looked after, emergencies deftly handled.  I would not be alone.

     On the liability side, however I found an equal number of hesitations.  For example, I have trouble in crowds; I have seen the gathering of impatient folks waiting for the dining room to open.  The hubbub of a dining room could spoil my appetite, offend my failing ears. I would have to adhere to a meal schedule, which I do not bother with by myself.  Taking a few favorite pictures with me would not satisfy my feeling of being embraced by my memories.  Every picture and hanging in this little house is in place because Erv and I chose that space for it. I do not know if I am up to the effort of making and keeping new friends.  Lastly my homecare insurance does not cover a facility.

     In sum, I faced the fact that I do not want to leave my comfort zone.  I will still have to close my front door at night, after dinner, I will be alone, loneliness will take over wherever I am.  There will not be someone with whom to talk about the day, to plan a bit of tomorrow, mindfulness aside, it is fun to plan together.  But my friends seem happy to listen.  Thank Heavens for my friends who live near and far.

     For those who are considering a change try the assets and liabilities lists, they might help clarify personal issues.  It would even work if there were perhaps, a child pushing one to make a change.