The Sandwich Generation                                                 September 1, 2014

     What happened to the Sandwich Generation?  That is a concept from our very recent past.  During its heyday, it referred to those who were caring for their aging parents while, at the same time, raising children, a double whammy for those who were doing just that.  My Mom died at 67.  I remember leaving her hospital room on the run to pick up the children at school, cooking dinner for four and answering nurses’ questions, on the phone, at the same time.  Many of us involved in a career made the sandwich a triple-decker!

     Today there is no talk of the Sandwich Generation because we are living longer.  By living longer we have given our grandchildren time to grow up.  Now our children are coping with a different situation.  Just as science has made it possible for us to outlive our own parents, so it has made distances shorter, communication and transportation easier. Our kids wander the country seeking appropriate careers and we also wander seeking sunshine and easy living. So far, so good except when illness intervenes.

     I have friends who are coping with Moms who are alone with health problems.  It is no surprise that men seem to die more frequently than women. Studies have shown men at a higher risk of death.  According to the Census Bureau in the 85year old and older group, 43% of men have lost a spouse while 80% of women are widows.   As a result many friends are coping with “mom issues”.  When Mom lived on the other side of the country her day-to-day living was her own to enjoy or anguish.  Visits in between nourished the relationship.

     When illness intervenes, visits alone no longer meet the problem.  Our baby boomer generation is “stepping up to the plate”; their lives and those of their Moms are changing the geography, someone has to move.  It is not easy to tell Mother that she may no longer live alone so far away.  Some mothers are stubborn others are compliant.  Among my friends there are those who made the move from East to West because it made sense or it made her son happy, another is still arguing.  Moving an elderly person or even one not so elderly is a difficult maneuver for everyone.  Everyone’s life is interrupted.

     That is why there has to be a “talk”, the conversation about one’s wishes.  As well as we all think we know our mothers, there comes a time when we cannot outguess them.   As we, Moms continue to outlive everyone’s expectations we have to share our thoughts for the time when we cannot take adequate care of ourselves.  Our baby boomer children, on the other hand should think about “stepping up to the plate” or developing a contingency plan.  We simply have to discuss the subject of “what if…?”