ALONE

ALONE     August 29, 2014

     Are “alone” and “lonely”, forever linked?  I can safely say that most lonely people are alone, but everyone who is lonely is not necessarily alone.  They are really two different states of being.   I am writing about both because of my need to share my thinking, a habit from my column writing days.  Perhaps my words can help clarify some one else’s thinking.

     When I am alone I find opportunities to untangle many of the knots of daily living that leave me anguished, feeling powerless even, incompetent.  Those feelings need assessment, thoughtful and direct confrontation.  The best time to work on them is when I am alone.  Delicious moments of silence are a treat. When I remove my hearing aids I am inspired to think, the experience of silence transports me to another world, a whisper world when I have me, myself and I to myself.  Being alone is a journey I frequently enjoy. I allow my thoughts to wander as I examine bumps in the road. I have learned how to enjoy my own company. 

     There are those who meditate when they are alone.  That is a comfort I am sure.  I prefer the word contemplate because that is the way I spend my alone time. I do more reflecting than meditating.  While I reflect on why I did or experienced this or that my best memories bubble up to meet me, to comfort me, to support me, to help me understand.

     Loneliness is completely different.  It is also a journey; its very nature has a negative connotation.  It is defined by its incompleteness.  We get lonely because we are missing companionship, frequently, specific companionship; my loneliness is accompanied by feelings of neglect, abandonment.  As time marches on lonely evolves into a helpless feeling that takes considerable motivation to dissipate.  We must work hard not to wallow in the feeling that it leads to self-pity, to “poor me”, the attitude that brings escalating sadness.  There are many ways to dissipate loneliness.  I take a walk spend time chatting with neighbors and friends.  I always stroll home feeling better.  Frequently I find that I am not alone with my loneliness, others have been there or are going through it.  It is good to share. Make a phone call to a long neglected friend.  Find an old movie on TV, ask a friend to join you.  Combating loneliness takes work.  Working for oneself, however can be satisfying.

     At times, I enjoy being alone, I can set my own time schedule, nap when I wish, eat when I am hungry, move when I am motivated.  I can even do the laundry at odd times, set the a/c to my body temperature or throw unmatched layers of clothing on my back.       Loneliness on the other hand brings tears to my eyes, I miss the warm touch of his hands, the gentle support he always offered and the love we shared.  The cure for loneliness at 90 is not readily available.  Wherever one lives, at home or in a comfortable retirement facility, at the end of the day, the front door closes and we are alone and in the evening, loneliness is waiting.   I have accepted those lonely moments as just one of the things I have learned to live with like the drought!

Lost My Old Blog Location

I lost my old blog address and can't seem to get it back.  I am moving my scribbling to this new location.

Death is a Fact of Life

Death is a Fact of Life!………………………August 25, 2014

     I have a friend to whom I have been close for the past three/four years.  We enjoy a regular lunch date because between bites, we consistently have much to share.  We are able to settle the world’s problems over and over again.  Our conversations are oriented specifically to family and to our other lives.  In her other life, she was a physician as well as a wife and mom.  In my other life I was a social worker as well as a wife and mom.  I was also a clergyman’s wife, a rabbi’s wife.  As anyone might imagine we have lots to talk about!  To her credit my friend has never tried to doctor me, I would guess she learned long ago that mixing medicine with one’s social life frequently spells disaster to a friendship.  We rarely speak of religion or politics for the same reason.

     Now my friend is not well, she remains in her apartment in an independent living establishment.  Until now it has met her needs, she has enjoyed a comfortable and independent life.  She drove her car until three weeks ago, now there is oxygen.  My friend accepts that, but is having great difficulty in facing the reality that her independence is fading.  After 89 years of establishing that independence, it is not easy to think about giving it up.  This is hard for our younger family members and friends to understand and it is difficult for us to explain.  When I asked my friend, “How will you manage if you need to get up to use the bathroom during the night?”  “I will just go!” she retorted while looking at me as if I had lost my mind.  I hesitated to point out to her that she is unsteady; she could fall and get hurt.  Her doctor does not want her alone at night.  You see, she does not care she really does not care if she dies tomorrow.  I fully understand.

     I do not know when it happened; I do not recall when I made peace with death, when I realized that death is part of life.  I do remember that my Mother, before she died said to me, “I am sorry to leave you,“ Dad had died two months earlier.  “You and your brother have fine spouses, wonderful children and good lives.  I am satisfied, you are well taken care of, but he needs me!”  She died within two days.  I have found in my own thinking when I face the future, I am not afraid as I used to be when I was young.  I tell my pillow as I lay my head down each night, “it is ok if I die tonight while I sleep!”

     My friend and I have discussed this and have tacitly agreed that there is no reason to hurry along the process, it is urgent to remember that each day continues to count.  We are practitioners of mindfulness; we live in today and make the most of each one.  According to Cicely Saunders, doctor/social worker involved with the development of the Hospice movement, ”You matter because you are, you matter to the last moment of your life.”  We hang on to that truth and keep on trucking.