Alienation

Alienation June 5, 2015

Alienation and anger both start with “A”; they frequently are partners. When I allow anger to overtake my emotions, I have to find someplace to put it. If I hang on to it and allow it to go nowhere, it damages every fiber of my body and soul. It harms, damages other relationships as well. I search unwittingly for a target in order to put the onus of “working it out” elsewhere. I do not want that burden and do not know what else to do with my fury. How easy it is to separate from an “adversary” of the moment and become alienated. Perhaps I inadvertently think that if I stop speaking to the offender it will all disappear and go away, it does not happen that way.
My Dad had two sisters that were constantly in some kind of dispute. Belle and Lil just could not get along. I have no recall if they were ever close or if they were just close in age. Dad, the kid brother (youngest of 12) was addicted to peace. He did not like shouting or name-calling. When his sisters started to yell at each other, I think Dad heard them, no matter the distance. He and my mother would run to fashion a peace treaty and force- feed it to the “girls”.
Family alienation is painful, especially when it occurs between a mother and an adult child. I have stumbled into that caldron frequently; always I have regretted my words said thoughtlessly. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I judge it to be a small matter that we can fix. My family member, on the other hand believes it is no small thing or I speak out of turn unaware that my words could be a serious embarrassment for another. Once my words leave my mouth the damage is done, no apology, no sincere regret can erase that moment when my “innocent” words hit the air and strike another in a hurtful way. It is too late for retractions or even apologies.
If someone is in need of a target on whom to focus seriously hidden anger, I understand that she/he must find a place or person. It is assumed by everyone that mothers have broad shoulders, built for carrying blame. I learned a long time ago that mother is the perfect target because mothers do not run away; they always come back for more. There is a degree of safety in being angry with mom. The argument may continue, then wither away eventually, leaving the players in place.
Yes, mom is a safe target, often I told my small children that “I might not like something you have done, but nothing will ever stop me from loving you.” The child who has faltered can take a deep breath and try again to please the parent. It is safe to make mistakes. Only when the “mistakes” occur in the child’s adulthood, does the scene change. Errors of judgment or misspoken words become more dangerous, less easy to hug away. Embarrassment is terrible for both adults and children. Children forgive more easily than adults, though it is always threatening and hurtful. My dear old Dad would beg, “just let it go”! My mother on the other hand said, "it is easier to forgive than forget." That is hard, but true.