ALONE

Alone!

I have been alone since 2008. At that time my beloved husband had enough of his illness and disability, he slowly, quietly, sweetly turned his head away, left me and so many other folks who loved him dearly! I believe that he turned to the wall because he did not want me to see his dismay at leaving. I miss him enormously. I am grateful that he no longer is suffering, but most important I am grateful for the remarkable life he shared with me.
That first night Judi, my daughter worried: could I manage to be alone, she asked if I would be all right by myself. I said that I would and I have been alone since that moment. I find that alone is not awful. I have learned how to “manage” it.
Alone and lonely are two different states. Lonely is sad, when I am lonely, I have to fix it: I pick up the phone and talk to someone about whom I care, not to complain but just as proof that I am not alone in the world! Or I go outside with my walker and find my friends and neighbors. We stop and chat; we are interested in one another’s life and when I walk away I say to myself, “See you are not alone, there is always someone around who will stop to talk, who most likely cares, I am a lucky woman!” Then I saunter back home, having once again proved that there is a living, listening world out there with eager open arms!
Alone carries many fears for many folks. Some fear robberies, break-ins or the unknown. Others worry about making ends meet. I am safely locked into my home and I wear an alarm around my neck that would bring help in minutes. Since I survived the Great Depression I have not seriously worried about money. I am satisfied that I am secure enough.
There are perks to being alone. In the beginning after my beloved died, I hesitated to even recognize the perks; I certainly never verbalized them. I was not fully aware of them either. Today I look back and ahead as well. There are numerous perks: I can eat what I want, when I want; I choose how often I do or do not eat “properly”. I decide when to go to bed, when to awaken, when to eat in or out, whether to watch TV or read; I know when I feel like playing tennis on the Wii or when I prefer to ride my stationery bike or take a walk. Only my doctor cares about those things and I am as honest as a normal person is with her doctor – I tell him almost everything. Often I eat standing up, you know that if there were anyone else in the house the objections would be loud and clear.
Averting loneliness requires that we master the art of being alone. Yes, it is an art. Always there is the choice between whining, feeling sorry for ourselves, lying down with a ”poor me” attitude or moving along. I have never tried the former so I cannot say much about whether it works. I have found that being honest with friends and family is the best thing I can do. Friends are more eager than family to accept this. Family feels required or responsible to tell me how to handle my life and what in its opinion is best for me. That comes with the territory, family cares.
I dig down deeply within myself and attempt to find and validate my true value. I admit to myself, rehearse the talents I have and those I do not. I have learned to value myself, to be honest with myself as I find out who I am. Being alone requires that I look in the mirror and see myself clearly inside and out. I have learned to say to that person in the mirror, “I know who I am, I know what I need to fix and what is valuable about me.”
I know that I am handling this business of being alone rather well because most of the time, I am satisfied with my life. I do enjoy making my own decisions as I learned back in my college days: independence is a wonderful attribute; I have learned to use it well. I thoroughly enjoy it. It is precious to me….
When I am lonely however, I shout, I cry, I scream: "How could you do this to me, how could you leave me!  You always promised to take me with you. But you said that you loved me!