A NEW WIDOW

A NEW WIDOW There is a new widow in my family. I am trying hard to figure out what exactly I can tell her to be helpful. Her journey en route to alone-ness will wind through side roads and detours. The truth of the matter is that after seven years alone, seven years without my beloved, I still find myself yelling at his picture, asking, “Where are you? How could you leave me with all this nonsense to figure out by myself? Don’t you remember we did this ‘stuff’ together?” How can I help Phyllis?

In the first place, it is important to know and accept the fact that there is no “right” way to grieve. Each of us grieves according to our own personality, our character, our own lifetime habit of handling sadness; each of us knows or learns what part of the togetherness was inherent in our personal happiness. If someone asked me today: what piece of our relationship do I miss the most, I have an answer. I miss the way Erv would grab me for no reason swing me around in a hug and shout to the world, “I love this girl!” His need to tell the world was never an embarrassment, it was a gift, I returned his hug, and we shared our joy, each time with a sense of renewal. I cherish the memory, it is far less painful than it was seven years ago.

The second thing I need to tell Phyllis, do not be impatient with you. Grieving and missing are not things that must be completed on deadline. I know that for years you built your relationship, your marriage; you added brick upon brick to your love, affection and respect for one another. You cannot cast it all off spontaneously, time will help you frame it, cherish it and learn to live with it. As there is no special way to grieve, so there is no time line to grief.

Love and togetherness are partners; the love never ends though the togetherness ends at death. Phyllis, that is the hardest part of my loss. Remember we all do this differently. In the last years, 25 years during Erv’s retirement we were attached, hip-to-hip. For so many years our jobs separated us from each other, things changed in those last years.

The reality of loss is not something that we slip into like a garment. There are times when all the milling, good-hearted people are more than we can handle. They mean to be helpful, but there are moments when we do not want the help. Feel free to slip away by yourself, take a moment to catch your breath and catch up with yourself. That is allowed. Follow your instincts, pamper yourself, take your time. Forgive yourself for your exhaustion, for an error in judgment, for not returning everyone’s gesture. Lee would want you to be good to yourself, give in to your feelings, be yourself. And remember our God is a forgiving God, He/She allows that rules are made to be broken, especially when you are winding your way through grief.